Disbelief is typical of what young couples experience when they decide to get serious about marriage.
Not from each other, but from family, friends and the community at large — concerned about their age, their wage and their future.
The president of the Colson Center for Christian Worldview and co-host of its Breakpoint program, John Stonestreet, writes with Shane Morris that disbelief is in fact, a major reason why the average age of first marriage for both American men and women is now around 30.
They add that scepticism about young marriage is propped up by a whole host of false assumptions:
FALSE ASSUMPTIONS AND FALSE WISDOM ABOUT YOUNGER MARRIAGES
That it leads to higher rates of divorce, that young adults should “establish a career” first, or that they should be “financially independent” before seeking a spouse.
Well-meaning people also drop nuggets of popular wisdom like:
“There’s no rush, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you,” or “You should find yourself before settling down,” or “You need to experiment sexually before you commit to just one person.”
The authors argue this advice is not only misguided, it’s flat wrong.
MARRIAGES FROM THE AGE OF 20 NOT AT HIGHER RISK OF DIVORCE
Writing for The Institute for Family Studies, Kasen Stephensen, a 24-year-old product manager at software giant Atlassian, recently pointed out that while teenage marriages carry a higher risk of ending in divorce, marriages from age 20 onward, do not.
Research from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia showed that “there is no significant difference in reported marital satisfaction or divorce rates between earlier marriages” (those between the ages of 20 and 24) “and later marriages” (those after age 25).
It concluded that by several important measures, earlier marriages have an advantage over those begun in the late 20s or beyond.
ADVANTAGES OF EARLIER MARRIAGES
Stephensen pointed to a study that found spouses who married earlier reported higher rates of sexual satisfaction than any other marital age group.
He suggested this could have something to do with the fact that such couples were single for less time, and so less likely to engage in hook-ups, which are widely reported to reduce marital satisfaction.
Stonestreet and Morris add that early marriage appears to have long-term financial benefits, too.
For example, married men earn more.
Even when controlling for household size, education, and other factors, married men have 40% more household income than their unmarried peers, and are half as likely to live in poverty.
HOW THE RESPONSIBILITY OF MARRIAGE HELPS THEM FLOURISH
Sociologist Brad Wilcox has suggested that this is partly because “the responsibility norms associated with marriage mean that [married] men work harder, smarter, and more responsibly.”
Speaking from personal experience, Stephensen added that spouses who share resources and responsibilities tend to have more flexibility when it comes to furthering their education and career.
Another subtler, more personal reason why early marriages, contrary to popular wisdom, are a good idea, is that they allow couples to grow and build their lives, finances, and dreams together.
Rather than becoming set in their ways separately, said Stephensen, earlier marriage gives couples the opportunity to mature together, sharing formative experiences, struggles, and triumphs, placing their love at the foundation of their lives, rather than making it an afterthought.
THE ‘CAPSTONE’ MODEL OF MARRIAGE
Borrowing terms popular in sociology, he called these the “cornerstone” and “capstone” models of marriage.
Stephensen told how, as a junior at Stanford University, he was the only student who mentioned marriage and children as part of his five-year plan.
They all described getting married as an objective for later and were surprised I would consider marrying so young.
Shouldn’t I establish myself financially or professionally first, then seek a spouse?
The view of his fellow students is the “capstone” model in a nutshell.
It’s also the current conventional wisdom about marriage.
THE ‘CORNERSTONE’ MODEL OF MARRIAGE
However, the research suggests it’s anything but wise, especially in an age when few ever reach the magical moment where they feel “ready” for marriage.
Instead, many are finding they’ve waited too long.
Stephensen instead commends a “cornerstone” model of marriage:
In this model, marriage is less an achievement and more a foundation for life.
Instead of merging two settled individuals, it emphasises the intertwining of two budding people — generally between the ages of 20 and 25 — who can traverse their formative years together.
Stonestreet and Morris argue this model, countercultural as it is, better harmonises with who we are as humans and what marriage is as an institution.
‘CORNERSTONE’ MODEL IS BUILT ON BIBLICAL TRUTH
It is built on the Biblical truth that God brought Eve to Adam so that they could fulfil the creation mandate together.
Also, children were an explicit part of that mandate and are still a part of God’s design for marriage today (and another area in which young marriages excel).
They conclude: “Simply put, the popular wisdom on early marriages is mostly wrong.”
“Perhaps instead of interrogating 20-somethings about their “age and wage,” Christians can ask young couples upon news of an engagement, “How can I help?” and “When’s the wedding?”
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